Monday, March 31, 2008

I edited my post written on 30th march, so as to clear up some misunderstanding. My english may not be good, but maybe i should try to express it in a better way.

butterfly heaven
3:13 PM

Again, it has happen. I don't wish it happening again. I'm more vexed than you think i am. I have more problems than what i seem to have. But certain things i have to take priorty. I wasn't going to say anything, really. I already knew the answer and i was just settling down myself. Now i feel so difficult, like we're ending our friendship because of this.

I don't like it, why does it always happen to me? Can somebody tell me why? I hate to be in this situation, is it because i'm taking things wrongly? Then what is the right way? Anybody can guide me through?

My mind is bursting soon, i am going to break down. But never was anyone there to listen to me. I once thought that maybe a certain person would listen, but it didn't turned out how i thought it would. Everything was just mistakened. I somehow lost my trust in that person. I don't like the way she did things, honestly, and i almost ended my friendship with her. If not for our friend, maybe things would have turned out worse.

Got to finish my work, shall blog again soon. Need to sort out my thoughts......

butterfly heaven
1:14 PM

Feeling of rejection. Never felt this in my life. I was always optimistic about it, though i felt sad.

First time I didn't feel disappointed, though feelings are still unstable, i felt glad that we still were friends. Just felt sad that you always think this way of yourself. Hopefully what i feel towards you might change how you see in yourself. Maybe it will take some time, maybe it will take a long time, but then such thinkings need to be changed.

Such drastic change in my life, re-read my horoscope for the year again. I have to remind myself time and time again, that some mistakes should not be repeated.

So many things on my mind, reasons why i can't sleep, or why i'm in a daze, or why i'm feeling sad. No one there to actually hear me out, to really understand how i feel, to really be where i am. I'm still searching for The One. Life's still long, there's bound to be someone out there. School's starting, maybe things will be for the better. Hope everything goes well for the next few weeks.......

Honestly, i have no idea what i am writing, just writing what i am thinking.

butterfly heaven
12:24 AM

Friday, March 28, 2008

Ytd was my 1st concert with SNYO. Both nervous and excited, i never felt so good in my life. But then again, i hope the next performance will be as good as this. Can't wait for Italy trip, and after that 2 or 3 concerts in Italy, when i come back to Singapore, have MEP concert 3 days later. I can't forget the 1st time, Maestro Bundit actually lifted a thumb during the concert to Ivan and me.

My heart felt hurt the whole evening yesterday, after knowing something which i shouldn't have known. It shouldn't even be there, and i did not realize until you were ignoring me. I didn't know you knew. Why did things turn out this way? Was it just me, or you? It seems you want me to hate you, but you think i can do that?

I'm not going to write anymore, end of post.

butterfly heaven
8:31 PM

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Today had jap class bbq, then i invited Janet along. First we went to ECP to cycle/rollerblade. Didn't cycle for a long time, and i've lost my stamina.

After "exercising", zzz...we went to Ben's house. Ben, Philip and Yamane sensei went first to set up the bbq stuffs as well as collect the food. Food was ready at about 7 plus, before that, all trying to bbq marshmallows. Hee...all melted inside, so sweet. Ray was a bit late, coz his son had fever. About 8.45, we started our games. Haha...1st round was "Guess the song". Wah...all i dunno, coz they extract the songs from Jap dramas. =.='' Nvm...2nd round was from Anime, Again, i dunno, coz i haven't been watching new animes recently. Haha...each group actually send 1 person to sit on the chair, then the group member suppose to guess the song to save the person. If answer wrong ar, lol, balloon containing powder will be burst on him. Hee...

3rd round was describing the picture, then 1 person suppose to sit on the chair, and try to guess the picture. After guessing, or skip, change to the next group member, and try to guess until time's up. The game's easy, BUT what makes it difficult was that we had to say everything in JAPANESE! RAWR! Then becoz of draw, we had a 4th round, which was the same thing, but then, now only each person allowed to give 1 clue, IN JAP, and the person is suppose to guess. In the end, my group lost by 1 point...then all kenna powder. Gah...

Haha...the day was GREAT. Everyone was happy, and we all had fun, thanks to Yamane sensei for preparing the pics for the games. LOL! So cute la...

Hmm...now my leg and butt hurts, i think tml sure muscle ache...sian.

butterfly heaven
2:28 AM

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Haven't been thinking so much past 2 days, but still thought about it. Still really don't know what to do about things right now. I'm not afraid of the future, but rather the things that are happening around me. I need to look around more, i need to understand more, i need to do so many things, that i can't cope. Really, these are important things that i must accomplish. No one's there to help me, but only myself. If anybody could actually lend me a helping hand, i'm grateful.

Somehow, somewhere in my heart, a new feeling has developed. Why is this happening? Should i once again face this feeling? But then, how do i know how if it will work out? Life is full of unexpectedness, and that's what i hate about life. Honestly, i hate it when i've already planned a day, and it had to be ruined by other matters. Why can't things go on as planned? Why must there always be changes? Of course, changes are necessary in one's life.

man, got to stop already. Nagged at as usual, complains as usual, they are just NON-STOP. Why can't they just leave me alone....

butterfly heaven
10:37 PM

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

it's 2.25 in the morning...and i'm using the internet. I know it's not right...but i'm being deprived of my friends...i can't stand it. Nobody to talk to for the past 2 months, i really can't take it anymore.

Sometimes i wonder, why are all these things happening to me? Why is there so much unhappiness in this world? Why is it that i can't understand what others are trying to tell me? Why can't i lead my life the way i want it to be? So many whys, yet so limited answers.

Unconsciously, i've been pondering over the past events for the past 1 and a half weeks. I can't help to stop thinking about it, that i cried over dinner when i was eating alone at food loft. What i really wish for right now at this moment, is just to have a time reversal machine that can bring me right back to where i was maybe 1 year ago, when i started my sec 4 life, when i was just an ordinary girl, studying for her o levels, when i had 2 close friends whom i could confide in during bad times. But reality says that there is no such thing created in the world, and even if there is, i would not be the only one using that machine. Everyone makes mistakes, be it big or small, and of course, many of us would like to turn back time. We all know that is not possible, and the only thing we can do is to account for the mistakes we made in the past. I'm trying my best, yet nobody can see it, that i gave up already.

Many a times i had this thought, can i just leave this suffering world? Indeed, when people die, they are relieved of these sufferings. I tried to think positively, but negative thoughts keep coming to my mind, "who cares whether i am alive or not? Even my parents don't even care if i die, since they keep telling me that i would be better off dead. Which friends actually treasure me? How many have i met that are wolves in sheeps' skin?"

I don't want to go through this misery anymore, i want to have a new life. But i don't see anyone giving me a chance to. How many actually know what happened? How many actually know how i feel? I just want things to turn out alright If I was not born into this world, maybe, many people would be living life happily than now.

butterfly heaven
2:25 AM

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Lala...been a while since i blogged again. Boss went for lunch...currently slacking a bit, at the same time talking to Mr Sze abt upcoming RISE concert on 30th may.

so bored...now my new lunch partner is Margaret, Maggie, Huijun they all..haha. So funny la them...hee. Great to know them...will prob miss them when i leave. T.T

K la...need to fold some letters. GTG! Bubbuais.

butterfly heaven
1:02 PM

Monday, March 03, 2008

Great! Zzzz...my new manager kenna emergency reservice for NS. Dam man...now back to suffering with the AM. Geez...not very busy today. Heard that Siew Keng gonna last day today. There goes my lunch partner...sigh.

Anyway...quite happy i passed my JLPT 3. Haha...Except i failed listening by 3 marks, passing was 60%. Sian...oh well.

Can't wait for school to start sia...i'm so excited, i dunno why...probably becoz i'll be able to meet new friends, and current ones as well? Haha...XD

k la..signing off. Got things to do...=)

ciao~!

butterfly heaven
1:17 PM